Oh Enigmatic Wireless Internet Connection of Siddhartha Gautama

I give my everlasting thanks.

Need a Washcloth?

Yeah, several.

Every Newcomer Needs a Friend

Every friend needs a hooker (keep this in mind near Chritsmas time).

It's Christmas Eve, Oh Da Dee Doo!

Oh, shut your pipe-hole Suzy-Q!

Ain't Nobody Gonna be Abstracting

I mean, seriously, that's how the Pope died!

It's The Final Countdown

But from what number should the countdown begin?

I'm Gonna Eat One of Those Weird Donuts

I'll split it with you, if you want.

Prescribe to Gender Laws

I hear you can't get that shit over-the-counter no more.

Some People Tell Me I'm Getting Lazy

It's so easy to point out a problem yet I see no one offering a solution.

You're Trying to Tell Me that There's Something There

Flip on the light switch just so I can care.

My Treatise on Men & Women

I'm sorry to disrupt the flow of one liners I've been throwing out there, but I just read this little preacher's treatise (Dec. 7th entry) on Men & Women, so I felt like writing something. Here it is, enjoy:

It is in our best interest to ignore the idea that men and women are fundamentally different. Because once we do that, then sex laws will slowly begin to deteriorate. Only after we stop believing traditional and out-dated bullshit about women and men will we see why we are all so similar. Ever since B.C. time (you know, before the A.D. change over) very important people have been talking about how women cannot think logically, cannot think on as high a level as men. We said the same things about animals. We still talk about women as animals: chicks, babes, et cetera. All those important people that spoke these important things were men. They were probably rich as well. We've been thinking with the same mind forever, and somehow even some women agree with that idea.

Men need women because they need to satisfy their sexual urge and women need men for babies and protection. The idea that has been prominent is that women don't have a sex drive. I don't know how anyone in the world was willing to gobble up that horse-shit. Men have penises. Women have vaginas. So, in turn, they must be different in every way?

My guess is that, back in the day, women didn't have much time to philosophize or do anything ground-breaking on account that they were always taking care of children. Because men were always fucking them. In more ways then one. Men had plenty of time to do important shit with their lives since their wives were doing the time-consuming mind-numbing shit. And once women were doing the mind-numbing shit they got stuck in doing the mind-numbing shit forever. Since they were always doing mind numbing shit they never learned anything [that men called] important. They didn't read, write, philosophize, or think logically because they were never educated.

Once you're drowning, you'll be under forever till someone else helps you. So women suffered for many many years. Then the humanitarians came. Some women wouldn't accept their place. Things were changing everywhere, human rights started existing all of a sudden. People started learning that you didn't have to be a man to live life your own way. Compassion, progress, whatever. Everything has been getting better up to this point. But what I don't understand is that some people still believe the old theories. Some people believe in the evolution crap theories, or the women can't think like men theories, all them damn crap theories.

What's even better is that women are even worse then men in believing in these sex differences. They are down with that shit. Go ahead and repress them, they are OK with it. If only I knew what it was that ate away at their brains to make them feel this way.

Men and women are different, in many little ways. However, most research finds them to be rather similar. Only the findings on sex differences end up being published. So, men and women may be different, but even so, if we treated it as if we were the same it would all turn out better in the end. Equality, ignorance, whatever. Being ignorant of any sex differences that exist would at least help weed out the sex differences that develop socially. That would be progress indeed. So, men I say, women I say, listen to Beck and disobey those sex laws. Make sure to have a smashing time doing it.

If No One Looks Good in Brown Lipstick

Maybe it's because it is the same color as shit.

Yeah, Set the Cat on Your Boobs

That's where he feels at home.

There's a Hole in My Heart

Where my penis used to be.

I Guess I Would Rather Drive Through Shit

Than walk through it.

It Don't Matter Who Says What

And it don't matter what says who.

If Confucius Sucked. . .

. . .his name would suck.

If It is so Goddamned Universal. . .

. . .then why did the Pygmie think I wanted to fuck his sister's corpse while wearing a tea cozy on my head?

Right Now I'm Playing with a Knife

Because my penis is limp.

Please Resound: Kilgore Trout

Kilgore Trout

Oh My God, Furb, You're Gross!

At least he's graduated.

Oral Fixation?

Oral Fixation?

If Chopping Off My Penis Would Rid the World of Every Last Barbie Doll

I'd get me a whole shit-ton of anesthesia (but then again, maybe I should save my ingram for the Bratz dolls).

I Think You Have a Lot of Tension Built Up Inside You

Go to Hell, Gaudalupe!

Osh Kosh BiGosh!

Fond Du Lac?

Step Up Into My Cash Flow

My master chips make me mad dough.

Women are Sexualized, Animalized, and Infantized

Maybe next they will be cannibalized.

I Think You may be a Little Retarded

I'm a biggle retarded.

Brea Ja Fuspinach La Shna

Donkey Shon?

I Didn't Mean to Scare You

Then don't come thru the window.

Pack Your Bags, Young Lady!

We're going to Disney World!

I Feel Like I Have a Jawbone Stuck in My Neck

I wonder where my mind goes when I'm at work.

If You're Going to be So Annoying

Then shut up and leave me alone.

Ear Mark Your Stock Exchange

I bet your earnings will just sky-rocket!

The Less Sense You Make

The more attention people will pay (I wish they paid in cash).

I Told a Guy I Wear Holy Pants to Church

But all my pants' holes are patched and I don't go to church.

I've Got the Music In Me

I let it out when hence forth I pee.

Where Ever the Antelopes Graze

You can be sure that there will be a pack of hungry lions nearby.

When the Crisis Comes

I'm sure I'll start remembering all the stupid little things that I did to contribute to it, but for right now I don't give a shit.

I Should Probably Tell You

If you plan on commenting on this blog you had better plan on not making any sense anymore.

The History of My Private Life

Is a book that no company would dare publish.

Your Comments are Infantile. . .

. . .because you're such a fucking baby.

Your Fact is Fiction

So, wouldn't that make my fiction a fact?

Ever Heard of a Double Bind?

No, but the first thing that comes to mind is double penetration.

Please Feed Me Your Lies

They taste like jellyfish.

Tired

Alert!

It's Not My Sort of Thing

So why am I doing it?

There's Something Going On

So why am I so bored?

Dead

Alive